Golgotha

It comes to me again
The old nightmare
I can't sleep without it

Vinegar sponge on a spear
Place of the skull
Dancing on the end of a tree

Ran in the snow all the night
Fell, but didn't fall behind

Lost you somewhere
Couldn't find you in any book

Took a false turn in the forest
Tried to follow the moss on the rocks

Draped in the corner of the boxcar
Drinking urine cupped in my hands

Leapt into space
Then realized I would miss my aim

I'm leafing through pages
I'm lost in the stacks

Another body heaved into the pit
Emaciated sticks tumble to their rest

They look apologetic 
As the needle enters me
Their features run together

So many musty shelves
So many identical tomes of dust-blue

I have to smile like them
Or they'll grow suspicious

There are no trees left for beams
The air stinks of rotting meat

The air here is cold, still and close
Footsteps echo through corridors
Like drops of water underground

The air is thick with fatted carrion birds
They cry contentedly, bellies filled with flesh
Scraps rain on scorched rock

I find myself in a powder-blue cell
Separate from the other dissidents

I step on a sharp rock
Leave a blood trail in the snow
The limp never goes away

On days when the wind is high
I stand on a high rock and look down
They appeal to me with their eyes

When it rains the rats invade our barracks
Their bites fester 
Then become infected and gangrenous 

The night sounds of the forest 
Tell me I'm not welcome here
I can't chance sleeping

Sometimes the Roman guards 
Allow me to walk among the rows
And end the pain of the most wretched
I am their angel of mercy

They come in their nondescript suits
They lead me into a powder-blue room
Then close a door I cannot see behind

I can't find you in any book
I've lost you somewhere
I don't know where to look
I don't know where to look.