I Wanna Get Married (Male Version)

I wanna get married
Yes make me your shill
Drive me away and insane, while you go fuck your trainer
And I'm stuck with the bill

I wanna get married
Oh, I'll be your beard
I want those mean looks that say, "Are you sure you're not gay?"
And "My friends think you're weird."

I wanna escape
This Strindberg we've created
My heart is constipated
I don't think I can purge it
I just want our urges 
To merge like
The way your shoe
Merged with my head
I'll reupholster the sofa
The little pet gopher
You wed
I wanna get married
I wish I was dead

I wanna invest
In sex toys for the bedroom
I wanna hear the sweet tune
Of Rapid Rabbit's vroom vroom
As you zoom
Away on your broomstick
To come has become
A thing of the past
You say it's not impo'tant and good things they never do last
You'll invite over Cory and suggest renting porn
Then you two will ignore me
Dear God, why was I born?