It's a paradise peopled with indolent whores
And their neutered gay-husband slash businessman bores
Alexander's whole frat fits into his new Hummer
Do let's estivate out in the Hamptons this summer!

With martinis and blinis, bellinis and weenies
We'll break out the panini and blast the Puccini
So send Roger and Reginald out for fresh gin'n
Send Lupe and Rosa to air out the linens

Little Fluffy's new diamond-trimmed platinum collar
Is worth more than the G.N.P. of Guatemala
But you won't see her owner lay down a cash dollar
All her credit's a debit she pays her friends' fathers

After vigorous riding and strenuous yachting
I'm astounded my old candy nose is still clotting
And if Lupe and Rosa can't find out what's rotting
I'll subject the whole Upper East Side to garroting!

Monty Beaumont's been cut off for being a thespian
And then we've a tee time with our friends the golf lesbians
Lupe, don't you give Caroline such a large portion
She's been packing it on since her second abortion

I would never spread gossip untrue or invidious
But I heard that Alexia Cook is chlamydeous
It just means that her boyfriend is less than fastidious
Wouldn't you double-bag it with someone so hideous?

Were you here when the Northhampton sailing regatta
Came and bursted in here like the Spanish Armada?
They said I own the cove but they still own the water
If they try it again I will call out a fatwa

Did you hear Carol Cunningham, that stupid WASP, is
Out tarting about while her husband's in hospice?
Should his children succeed in untangling her coils
She'll have spoiled the game and be left with no spoils

I believe Blair Berlin is in need of botoxins
Did you see that?  Her breasts look like amorous dachshunds
You would think, as an Eli, he'd have a vast lexicon
Oh please, Lupe, don't shout, you know I don't speak Mexican!

Don't those Jews in the Bowery know just how to set a jewel?
And that dear Ms. Lewinsky designed a new reticule
Do shut up!  Paris Hilton's new feature is starting
That Vietnamese potbellied pig won't stop farting!

Wouldn't Diana Vreeland find it so depressing?
Sunk from prêt-a-porter down to "dressed for undressing"
Not to say that our native gamines are impure
But then who looks demure dressed in Juicy Couture?

They're all saying that painter's the new David Hockney
And his boyfriend wrote that opera of "Knute Rockne"
Don't look twice at that trash, dear, her father's a plumber
Do let's estivate out at the Hamptons this summer!

With our Prozac and Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Lexapro
We've made dear SmithKlein Beecham a rival to Texaco!
Swallow Vicodin, Percocet, Darvon, Propoxy
Or perhaps shots of Morphine are your orthodoxy

Take some Valium, Valerian, Xanax and grass, then
You'll be ready for hearts with the Potters and Astons
Then there's gimlets and cosmos plus Sour Apple Pucker®
If you came on the Jitney, you're really a sucker

Should young Carlton propose driving home in his Benz
What's a few RU-486 between friends?
In avoidance of what you reap is what you sow
They should hand Mifepristone out at Trader Joe's

I've heard rumors of espionage from Marc Rosen
Between Shoshanna Gruss, Heatherette and Zac Posen
Put my money on Posen, that upstart's a comer
Do let's estivate out in the Hamptons this summer!

Lupe, see that the pheasant is sprinkled with Hoisin
If we're not on Page Six I will simply drink poison!
That's it Rosa, you peasant, it's back to the farm again
Why, you dirt-raker's daughter, nobody FRIES ptarmigan!!!

You had better stick close so these cows know you're with me
I don't want you fellated by Chloë Sevigny 
My dear Constance, I'm sorry, it seems that we spoke too soon
Simon isn't an African, only an octoroon

Little Thomas Van Deusen the media scion
Has been hanging about with the Elders of Zion
When Rothschild spoke to him I thought, "Call in an arclight
We had best watch our step or there'll be one more Semite"

Lizzie Grubman pled guilty and that tempest calmed
Don't you think Susan Lucci looks like she's embalmed?
Oh dear, here come the Strokes, but sans Drew and the drummer
Do let's estivate out in the Hamptons this summer!

Oh my darling, I just couldn't get any number
Do let's estivate out in the Hamptons this summer!